Monday, December 6, 2010

Nasty Bastards Piss Me Off!


So, the topic of the day* is people who don't wash their hands after they use the public restroom (after using a private restroom either, I'd assume...I mean, after all, if you're not embarrassed by not washing them in public you certainly aren't going to be motivated to do so in private).

These people are otherwise known as Nasty Bastards.  

I first really started thinking about Nasty Bastards when I took a 13 night cruise about seven or eight years ago.   One of the medical officers told us that they average 2 deaths per day on that itinerary.  There was an ambulance (or at one memorable port a pick-up truck) at every port of call waiting to cart away the days' deceased.  The medical offices were chock full of passengers suffering from norovirus, flu, colds and other easily preventable communicable diseases.

So anyway, we're on this long cruise and my companions and I began to notice a very disturbing pattern: most of the people we encountered in the restrooms completely bypassed the sinks on their way out.  I'm not talking about the ran-their-hands-through-running-water-for-a-nanosecond-they're-clean-enough Nasty Bastard. I mean the held-their-head-high, walked-past-the- sinks-and-returned-to-the-formal-dining-room Nasty Bastard.

A recent scientific study  showed that there is a direct link between the germs found in cruise ship restrooms and outbreaks of norovirus.  It doesn't take a mathemagician to figure it out: you put 1500-3500 Nasty Bastards in a floating petri dish and add tropical heat, 24-hour buffets and shared elevator buttons and you've got a nice norovirus stew cooking.  Oh, and lest you think that using the little paper seat cover is going to save you, think about this: the toilet seat was found to be the cleanest item in all of the restrooms tested.  So take heart, Aunt Hazel, it would be really rare to catch a virus through your ass cheeks**.

Well, my friend (I'll call her "Hanna" to sort-of protect her identity) and I came up with a brilliant way to let these people know how we felt about them putting our health in jeopardy by not washing their hands.  It's pretty ingenious and is a great way to let everyone else on the ship know who the Nasty Bastards are as well:
Every cruise ship has a wandering band of annoying people they call "photographers" who take snapshots of you at every opportunity during the cruise. They post these photos in a huge gallery, where the passengers wander through, find their photos and, hopefully, buy them for exorbitant prices.  We decided to get a Sharpie marker, find photos of the Nasty Bastards we saw bypassing the sinks and write "Nasty Bastard doesn't wash his/her hands" across it.  We really thought this was a grand idea and thought everyone would appreciate it as a public service.  Luckily we sobered up before we found a Sharpie marker, but we still got a kick out of imagining it. 

Okay, so I really don't have a solution for this problem, I just wanted to bitch about it.  I'm doing my part though to prevent the spread of germs.  Full body condoms are just so difficult to walk in, so for my own protection, I make a conscious effort whenever I'm in a public place, be it restaurant, cruise ship or airplane, never to touch my face, eyes or nose and to wash my hands at every sink I pass.  Knock on wood, as much as I travel I've never caught norovirus or even a cold, so it is either working for me or I'm too damned mean to grow a virus.

I do make a plea to everyone though, please wash your hands, with soap and water or sanitizing gel for at least 30 seconds after visiting the restroom.  And when you leave the rest room, use the paper towel (or your sleeve) to open the door...remember whose Nasty Bastard hands last touched that door knob!


*This is a companion post to one my friend Scott Airitam (ruler of the Airitam Nation) put in his blog recently.  It's not that I'm not original enough to come up with a completely new topic, but I had a bit to say about this because it's something that has bugged me for a long time.  Plus, I'm not as nice as Scott, and I didn't want to fill up his blog comments with profanity.  After all, that's why I have my own blog! 

**Aunt Hazel, the only way you could catch something from a toilet seat is if your butt cheeks had an open sore on them. Or if you were to touch your genitalia, nose, eyes or mouth with your hands after touching the seat. Or if you actually touched a germ-infested seat with your genitalia, nose, eyes or mouth, in which case Nasty Bastard doesn't even begin to adequately describe you.